Who Are You, Camille?

Life is so much different now. As I step onto the cold pavement in the late December weather, I suddenly rush back to a very different Camille; one who knew the world as one cul-de-sac wide where nothing could ever blur her innocent and hopeful vision. The neighborhood has changed a lot since I was five, but the feelings that came back with the memories seemed almost natural. I stared proudly at the crosswalk lines where I remember crossing them on a newly balanced two-wheels. I chuckled at the irony of the DEAD END sign as I remember falling countless times before I finally got the hang of the rickety old bike. Life is so much different now. 

I remember those times when I feared nothing. A time where I wanted to be nowhere else but sitting along a dirty old curb, chatting for hours. A time where my heart knew nothing of breakage, doubt, or fear-- as a matter of fact, vulnerability was all that I knew. If only I could go back to that time when I didn't know what fears the future would bring--life was so much simpler. Back when I had a romantic understanding of the world, I didn't have inhibitions or the emotional scars that, to tell you the truth, ache every now and again. But does this really go to say that ignorance is bliss? All I really know is that life is so much different now.

 

What about those times when I felt as though the world was my biggest fan? Everything had great potential just waiting to be seized. I could be Cinderella one day, and Carmen San Diego the next-- and the great thing was, that was normal. Dreams of the future were so far off that anything and everything was acceptable. There were no looming deadlines or intrusive questions that cut my potential short-- just dreams stemming from guileless intent. Life was so much different then.       

I remember when making it to the next rung of the monkey bars was equivalent to scaling the tallest of mountains. The practice and preparation it took to claim the victory was long and toilsome work--at least a few precious days of recess. Nothing stands as tall as the feeling of accomplishment in an innocent mind; you are untouchable. Obstacles sure are different now. There is rarely an audience waiting to applaud your newest feat and stare sparkly-eyed at your beaming smile. For the most part, your audience has wilted into an apathetic group of peers who find a new item on the lunch menu just as exciting as your accomplishments. 

Back when the question of 'Who are you?' could be answered by a favorite book, color and vacation spot, my complex was one dimensional. Thought was never necessary when dreams were so much more concrete. 13 lawyers, 20 nurses, and 15 future presidents miraculously walked through the same doors every morning-- and that was okay. "Who I am" was a futile answer because so much of my identity relied upon other people. It was hard to speak of a grand place in the world when the very shoes that I walked in were dependent upon someone else's ability to tie them.

And then a realistic view of the world hit me like a plank falling at terminal velocity. I found that heartache, apathy, dead ends, lies, and shortcomings were as plentiful as the innocent dreams that they now crushed. It became hard to let people in because I now knew the product of vulnerability. Dreams had to be stifled because money, capabilities, and accessibility were now factors in the equation of possibility. Obstacles were no longer shoelaces and monkey bars, but the blunt recognition of lost naivety. Most of all, "Who are you?" was no longer asked by others; it was asked by me.   

With a whole-hearted acceptance of the simplicity of youth, I began to contrast the complexity that comes with age. I began thinking, Which one is better? Back when I was ignorant to the unfairness of the world and failure was a foreign term, I sucked the 'marrow out of life' and knew no boundaries. Now that I had been introduced to the world's vices, I saw the potential for dissapointment, but I also saw the possibility of good. This awarness, unfortunately, made the action of taking leaps much harder. I had just been aquainted with the 'real world' in time for high school to assure me that there was so much more life to live. Oh great, I've only just begun. 

Here is the problem: I am half logical and half emotionally driven. My logical side would agree that simplicity was better- there were fewer pros and cons to weigh, deep thought was rarely activated, and my eyes were not ladened with hurt. However, my emotional side would protest, saying that complexity was best-I could navigate through choices based upon experience, I would have a better understanding of the world, and I could finally muster up a response to "Who are you?" 

But that's life. Simplicity of childhood is what prepares us for the complexity of adulthood. Without

an innocent view of the world as a child, the hard facts that life offers would numb us to hope, dreams, and love. It is from that sparkly-eyed optimism that I remember the good in the world. As I approach the end of the road, I admit, what lies beyond  is daunting. Thankfully, I know Someone who has had this road mapped out long before I began to walk it. He gave me the precious experiences that have gotten me to where I am today, and I will desperately rely upon that truth as I waltz ahead. Life sure will be different now, but hey, I'm ready.

Poetry Thought Piece: "Faith" is a fine invention

"Faith" is a fine invention When Gentlemen can see--
But Microscopes are prudent
In an Emergency.


   For being so concise, Emily Dickinson's poem is packed with a message. First, let's assess the prose meaning--general facts--of the poem. In the short four line stanza, Dickinson makes the inference that mankind accepts the idea of faith as long there is tangible evidence involved (Microscopes). Once problems in the invisible realm occur (Faith), man reverts back to his own reason and understanding for answers. Furthurmore, Dickinson is describing humanity's tendency to rely upon knowledge and resources instead of an invisible God. While man can acknowledge divine existence, he becomes skeptical and panicky when a situation's outcome is out of his own range of influence.
    And now for the prose meaning. How do I feel as I read "Faith" is a fine invention? And what makes me feel that way? First, the melodic rhyme is worth noting. I found it somewhat ironic that a poem contemplating the psyche of man would 'bounce' with such a carefree rhyme. That's just it-- it IS ironic. The cadence of the poem, if anything, increases the irony of Dickinson's point. I interpret the rhyme to demonstrate the presence of man's folly in the poem. In addition to the rhyme, Dickinson characterizes faith as a "fine invention." Faith, as described by Dickinson, is produced by man. I also found it interesting that the word faith is in quotes. Both of these portrayals of the word faith suggest that man has taken a holy and untouchable concept and reduced it to a mere word of science. Once again, Dickinson illustrates the overwhelming and consumptive presence of man's thought in an extremely uncomprehensible and intentionally difficult subject. "Faith" loses its definition when man tries to define it. Dickinson furthers her point on the arrogance and seeming self-sufficience of man by her description of reason. She concludes the poem by stating that "Microscopes are prudent.'' Considering the simplicity of the rest of the poem, prudent seems to embody the complexity of man's reason. Instead of saying 'practical' or 'wise,' Dickinson chooses the word prudent to reveal the intelligence of humanity, but the moral of her poem refutes the worth of this intelligence. Overwhelmingly, "Faith" is a fine invention  is a 'bouncy' poem riddled with the irony of man's intelligence. Yes, it is concise, but maybe a lengthened poem filled with impossibly large words would detract from her simple message: man's intellect defeats the purpose of faith.
           

TONE: that which is verbal expressed in the word...al?

My Mistress' Eyes: William Shakespeare (1564-1616)
My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breast are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damasked, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go,--
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground.
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

     Throughout this piece, Shakespeare weaves two distinct yet complimentary tones. He mixes adoring with affirming. Specifically seen in the phrases highlited gray, Shakespeare seems to be conceeding the "mediocrity" of his mistress. His comparative words--nothing like, far more, but no such, yet well-- would seem to have a tone of shame, but Shakespeare's ingenious combination of adoration with apparent "shame" leads me to believe that his "shame" is actually affirmation. Through his affirmed tone, Shakespeare is telling the audience that his mistress, while she may not be pictured in People's 50 Hottest Women spread, is just  what he wants. We additionally see his satisfaction with his mistress in his obvious tone of adoration. Here, Shakespeare's word connotation flips and serves as an indicator of his new tone. Now, Shakespeare utilizes words such as: love, heaven, rare and compare. In comparison to the previous darker and more 'ugly' words (damasked, reeks, tread...), Shakespeare's change of word choice reveals an ardor for the person of his mistress.
    Employing strong word connotation and exaggerated comparisons, Shakespeare reveals his tone of adoration and confirmation to his audience...by which it seems he is affirming his love for his mistress.

Myers-Briggs Personality Type Test:

My name is Camille, and I am an INFJ:

Introvert-- 44%
Intuitive--25%
Feeling--50%
Judging--56%

Wow! What an interesting test. Never once have I felt like a personality test was so spot on. Initially, I was a bit confused by the terminology of the four catergories, but once I read up on them, I understood how my introvertedness, intuition, sense of feeling and sense of judging are all vital components of my psyche. For example, I tend to be in my element in smaller groups of people where deeper levels of conversation are reached. Also, I respond much better to situations when I have had the chance to engage my emotions and my recollection of previous experiences. All of these "Camille quirks" are accurately depicted in my test results, and, believe it or not, suggest a profession that I have already decided upon! In the past few years, I have really become excited by the field of Psychology. According to the Myers-Briggs test, Counseling (a branch of Psychological study/practice) is a match for my personality type. Yay! One quote in the description of an INFJ personality analysis that particularly sparked my interest was that INFJ's "value their integrity a great deal, but they have mysterious, intricately woven personalities which sometimes even puzzle themselves." If there is a better way to describe me, I'd sure like to see how.

Crime and Punishment Thought Piece #1

     "Well, and what if I'm mistaken?" [Raskolnikov] suddenly found himself exclaiming. 'What if man-- the whole human race in general, I mean-- isn't really a villain at all? If that's true, it means that all the rest is just a load of superstition, just a lot of fears that have been put into people's heads, and there are no limits, and that's how it's meant to be!..." (34).
    Within the first few pages of Crime and Punishment, Dostoyevsky has already let his readers in on the mental perversions and spineless justifications of Raskolnikov. In this passage, my interest was quickly peaked when Dostoyevsky takes the quiet thoughts of Raskolnikov and suddenly rockets them to an entire new set of ethics. Here, Raskolnikov is characterized as ungrounded and dillusioned-- both descriptions intended to describe the mental state of his crime. His quick tangent of thoughts is means of self-justifying his crime, but most importantly, it attests to the rabid guilt of the human mind.
    Realistically, the main conflict throughout the novel is Raskolnikov's struggle with this rabid guilt. He is quick to compromise truth and logical reasoning just to satiate his ravenous conscience. As evidenced in the quote, Raskolnikov uses his own presumptions about the motives of mankind to mold an entire new system of thought and happily concludes by saying that his presumption is "how it's meant to be!" (34). Raskolnikov's circular reasoning is extremely vivid in this passage as Dostoyevsky uses his insanity to preface his reasoning throughout the rest of the book.
    Coincidentally, I find that this insanity-stricken compromise of "truth" is ever so rampant in today's culture as well. With the dynamic changing of our society, all sorts of ideas and beliefs are melded into whatever justifies an individual's conscience. Just as Raskolnikov is, people are trapped in their nebulous minds, and their reasoning is rendered obsolete. Truth is no longer constant, and bewilderment is ever-present.  
  

Test Blog.

"Now that she's back from that soul vacation
Tracing her way through the constellation, hey
She checks out Mozart while she does Tae-Bo
Reminds me that there's room to grow, hey
Now that she's back in the atmosphere
I'm afraid that she might think of me as
Plain ol' Jane told a story about a man
Who was too afraid to fly so he never did land
But tell me, did the wind sweep you off your feet?
Did you finally get the chance
To dance along the light of day
And head back to the Milky Way?
And tell me, did Venus blow your mind?
Was it everything you wanted to find?
And then you missed me
While you were looking for yourself out there."
-Drops of Jupiter by Train